Recently, I have had a reality check of the most serious variety. It has occurred to me that the gravy train that I have been on for the last four years is about to come to a screeching halt.

I’ve had a good haul on this train, that’s for sure. Hard life lessons were learned on this route; invaluable lessons that have moulded me anew. It also goes without saying that a whole lot of fun was had on this train. And I certainly don’t mean to imply that I am fearful of a future free of fun. (Hey! Alliteration is fun!) I suppose that in my deeply introspective (and retrospective) mood, the gravity of my situation, past, present and future, is giving me meaningful pause.

When I first came to Turkey in the spring of 2005, I felt that I was on the verge of an amazing adventure. I turned out to be spot on about that. I had always dreamed of living abroad and, even though Turkey herself had never figured into my dreams, I was entirely keen on what lay ahead; even though I hadn’t the slightest idea of what might.

You could say that I was born with little fear. I have always been the sort of person to ask few questions and charge in, head first. I didn’t know very much about Turkey when I arrived here, but that didn’t make me feel at a disadvantage. I figured I could have had all the facts and figures I pleased at my disposal and it wouldn’ have helped much. In the end, the whole experience would be subjective, anyway. We all have to make our own way in this life. And life affects us all differently according to our own belief systems and experiences.

In the end, there has been suffering and there has been even more joy. Things have certainly blown up in my face here over the years, but instead of getting bogged down in my disappointment, I picked myself up and kept on going. I have a right to be proud of that.

I realize now that the life I have managed to carve out for myself here is enviable. As a nanny, to say I have been well-payed is putting it mildly. In fact, I learned that I made more than a university professor and a Turkish manager, respectively. Most of my expat friends are struggling English teachers. They either work at language course centers that jerk them around and underpay them, or they get out there and hustle for independent lessons, which can be dog eat dog.
At least I can say that my personal financial security has protected me in sour times. I have never felt helpless or cornered in large part because of my steady employment/income, and for that, I feel blessed.

Even though at times my job has been exhausting and thankless, I have always been grateful for this opportunity. Being a part of a family that is not your own can be both claustrophobic and overly-intimate at times. I am an emotional sponge; someone who absorbs the feelings of those around her. So for me to have such a job where I have essentially become a defacto member of a family, has been challenging at times.

But I would be remiss were I not to admit that this job has provided many a sweet perk. The family has been most generous towards me over the years. For the last three winters, they have taken me skiing in an adorable Swiss village near the French border. They have taken me to London several times, where my job included shopping at Harrod’s, high tea, fine dining, Madame Toussaud’s and the theatre district. I have spent every summer on their yacht in Southern Turkey, traveling to the Greek Islands, bobbing without a care in gorgeous seas, staying at a world class beach resort.

And I have been extremely lucky in this field. There are plenty of nannies out there that have enjoyed such benefits as luxurious travel, but so many of them are treated poorly to a distressing level. I, on the other hand, have been lucky enough to have been placed with an exceptional family. They are old money types; classy and refined. They treat me as though I were one of them. When we travel, they introduce me to their friends, not merely relegate me to a corner, the forgotten help. I eat with them and not in the servants’ kitchen. (Yes, they have one of those!) When I get sick, they send me to a doctor and pay for it. When I injured my neck, they sent me to a physiotherapist and, yes, paid for it.

I try not to harbor regrets because I know that behavior will get me exactly nowhere. But one of the only regrets that sometimes nags at me in the dark is that I did not properly take advantge of my economic situation while I was here. Instead of putting all of that money away for future use, I had the time of my life on it. Wherever I traveled, I threw money around with abandon. When my sister got married in Las Vegas, I partied like an heiress for the duration. I had a solo trip to Amsterdam where I whipped out the credit card so much, I swear it smelled as though it were burning. I developed a shopping habit wherein I acquired an impressive wardrobe and enough accessories to open a boutique.

I also came into my feminine side in a major way. For the first time in my life, I spent time and money on my physical appearance. I began going to the salon for manicures, pedicures, waxing, hair coloring (something I always did from the box at home), the works. I bought dresses and heels, started wearing makeup and generally saw myself as a beautiful woman for the first time in my life.

In all fairness, I did manage to dig myself out of a substantial amount of debt that I had accumulated prior to my life here. It felt good to finally shed that weight, and for this, I have allowed myself some pride.

I have, at last, become more fiscally responsible. Unfortunately for me, this has coincided with my work hours and salary having been drastically reduced. I still make enough to live comfortably; just not to enjoy my former lifestyle. And I am alright with that. I had my fun.

I find myself now in the position of trying to wean myself off of these habits. I am most likely going to return “home” next summer, and who knows what life will hand me. I have no idea of what I will choose in the way of work, what I can hope to make, where I might live. But I do know a few things for certain:

I will no longer have a cleaning lady, so it’s back to cleaning my own toilets. I will no longer have much disposable income, so it’s back to discount shopping and dying my hair from a box. And I wil no longer be flitting around the world, dining in the best restaurants for free, or spending summers on a yacht.

I know I will go through some culture shock moving back. And I know I will even have the occasional pang for my exciting expat existence. But in the end, I sleep well knowing that, as always, I will be just fine.