Is it just me, or is cinema pretty much dead at the moment? I am a cinemaphile. I watch me a whole lotta’ movies. Due to the fact that I live in Turkey (piracy, ahoy!), I sometimes even see movies before they are released in the theatres here. I tell you that it is just as well. The fact that we are saving a boatload of cash by NOT seeing this kind of trash in the theatre makes me feel somewhat vindicated. Of course, there’s no remedy for that sinking feeling I get when I realize I have just wasted two hours of my life. No remedy at all.

I have picked a random selection of some of the many, many movie disappointments I have suffered in recent months. There really have been too many to mention, unfortunately. I have chosen a few for which my immediate objections spring to mind.

One of the biggest recent let-downs was our viewing of Funny People. Never before has a movie title been so inappropriate. This is one of those movies that proves that even if you like the director and the cast seems promising, you can still be led astray. Not only was this movie prfoundly UNfunny, but it was also ridiculously long. It seemed not to have been edited at all, with so many long-winded scenes stretching endlessly to no avail.
It also seemed to have been highjacked, a trend that has become all too common. This is when the tone of the movie completely switches midstream. The first half is often an inventive storyline that pulls you in. But halfway through, the mood completely shifts and it drifts into a mundane Hollywood ending. You can almost hear the gnashing of the writer’s teeth when his interesting plot is ransacked by hack writers hired by the producers.

The Lovely Bones is a perfect example of another problematic issue in Hollywood. Just because the book was great doesn’t mean you can make a movie out of it. This poor film was a heap of meandering trash that squandered not just good actors doing their best with what they had, but gorgeous CI effects, as well. Why Peter Jackson was chosen to direct this is anyone’s guess. His lack of passion about the material is apparent to the end. I heard that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt bought the rights to this movie before they were released to the public. Shouldn’t that have been reason enough not to have made this?

Sometime’s you’re just in the mood for something delightfully cheery and formulaic. So was my inclination when I popped in Four Christmases just before the holidays. I wasn’t expecting movie magic here. I just wanted some mindless entertainment. Again, the cast seemed promising (Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn, Sissy Spacek, Robert Duval, Jon Favreau, John Voigt and Mary Steenbergen). And true, there were immensely entertaining moments, but the overall message was what steamed me. You see, Reese and Vince’s characters are young yuppies who lie to their families about where they are every Christmas to avoid spending time with them. Eventually we learn that their seemingly perfect relationship is actually quite shallow and that after living together for three years, they barely know each other. What really annoyed me was the fact that all of that got tied up neatly when the couple got married and had a baby, even though Vince’s character made it clear he never wanted to get married or start a family. This was another movie that seemed highjacked into telling the audience what it wanted to hear: getting married and having babies makes it all better. How original!

Invictus was a perfect example of how I am forever being suckered by reviews. The Boyfriend tries to tell me all the time that which seems quite transparent: that movie reviews have been bought up like every other commodity in this world. Try to find an honest one these days. There is no greater example of my embarrassment spawned by this trick as when I hauled The Boyfriend to see Australia (I don’t even have the strength to go there!). “They’re saying it’s the next Gone with the Wind!” Oh, Tara! Shame on you!
You’d think I would have learned my lesson, but no! Once again, I forced my boyfriend to watch a movie because it was receiving “Oscar buzz”.
Not only was this movie rather bland, but if either Morgan Freeman or Matt Damon receive Oscar nominations out of this, I will stage some sort of protest on principle. Morgan Freeman couldn’t even be stuffed to use a South African accent consistently. Just because you are black and have freckles does NOT mean you can convince me you are Nelson Mandela. This movie may be rife with moments you are supposed to find uplifting, accompanied by a soaring soundtrack, but it feels very manipulative. We have been down that road many a time.

The Hangover was the movie that made me wonder if The Boyfriend and I had 1) gone crazy or 2) become movie snobs, or 3) both.
We wanted so much to like this movie. We had spent big money to see it at the outdoor cinema this summer. Not even getting to watch it in a chaise lounge under the stars redeemed this flick. I really thought it was preposterous and juvenile. You cannot win me over with just a tiger in the bathroom, a Mike Tyson cameo. And the Hooker with the Heart of Gold bit played by none other than Heather Graham! Really, Hollywood? Seriously?
This movie was so bad that I had to run out and buy Old School just to remind myself that Todd Phillips once made a great movie and that frat humor can be done well.