I get kind of worked up when I think about “cheesecake” here in Turkey. The menu says it’s cheesecake. And it does, in fact, have a cheesecake-like appearance. But one forkful will tell you: that ain’t cheesecake.
I’m not altogether surprised that Turks don’t get cheesecake. After all, Turkish cream cheese is just off somehow. Philadelphia it is not. I can’t use Turkish cream cheese for much of anything because the texture is gooey and bizarre.
I guess what I would like to say is, if you can’t make it, then please just don’t.

I have at last learned my lesson about faux cheesecake. I don’t bother to order it anymore. It can wait until I get back to States. Even better, until I get back to New York City.

I get equally annoyed with the imitation meat situation. As you probably know, as a Muslim country, pork products are a big no-no here. I have heard tell about a few delicatessens on the European side where one can purchase pork, but I have never been motivated enough to seek it out. Going without things like bacon and sausage does not cause any major dislocation in my life. I do not feel a big hole in my soul that pork used to fill.

However, occasionally I get grossed out by imitation meat. And I was a vegetarian for eleven years, so I have seen my fair share of it.

One of the most head-scratching faux meat experiences I have ever had was on my honeymoon, eons ago. My then-husband and I had gone to Costa Rica. We stumbled into a bizarre vegetarian cafe that was run by Hari Krishnas. It gets weirder, if you can believe.
Every meal contained bologna that had been made from various vegetable and starch sources. It had been dyed bright pink so as to resemble actual bologna, but the resulting shade was more like Pepto Bismol. This was a perfect example of, “Just don’t go there’”

Speaking of bright pink, the boyfriend and I recently had a nauseating experience in the kitchen. On our last grocery trip, the boyfriend had a hankering for sosis (sausage). I was busy gathering the vegetables, so I did not see what he bought.

The other night, he wanted me to do something with the sosis. And when I took out the package, I had a good laugh. He obviously did not pay much attention when picking out the sosis because instead of being 100 percent beef, which are lovely, these were 80 percent chicken. Not only that, but they were very slender and a disturbingly unnatural shade of bright pink.

And then came the comment that made me laugh so hard I nearly wet my pants, but simultaneously turned my stomach. The boyfriend said, “It looks like a sheep’s penis!” And damned if it didn’t and damned if it didn’t make eating it difficult.
Again, if you can’t make them all beef, don’t bother.

Another place where imitaiton meat has reared its ugly head recently is McDonald’s. Yes, when McDonald’s announced that they had added a breakfast menu, I rejoiced as much as any expat. Pancakes with real syrup?! I never actually had that at McD’s back home because pancakes are a pretty easy thing to rustle up yourself. But syrup costs about 30 TL (or 25 USD)for a 12 ounce jar. It is a luxury that I have never been able to justify. And McDonald’s is giving it away free with pancakes? I had images of stockpiling it and, when I had saved up about fifty of those little plastic tubs, whipping up some pancakes. Pathetic, isn’t it?

But the worst part of this whole breakfast at Mickey Dee’s part is what a cocktease it is. Sure, they have the Egg McMuffin, but they have replaced the glorious Canadian bacon with some chicken pattie thing. And it doesn’t fool me OR leave me satisfied.
It’s just one of those things that I will file away for now and indulge in when I get home. It’s not worth the disappointment.