Here’s a sure-fire formula for you: Lower your expectations to rock bottom and just might not be disappointed. I believe I learned that from Bart Simpson. And after having put that formula to the test yesterday, I can tell you, with much satisfaction, it can work for you as it did for me!

I stand publicly corrected by my friend Claire. She taught me a valuable lesson. A good writer checks her facts before she goes shooting from the lip. In my last post, I said that we didn’t have a zoo here in Istanbul. Turns out that that’s not entirely true. We woke up yesterday and decided to give it a go.

First of all, that name translates to something like, “animal kingdom garden” and that’s an appropriate title, if you ask me. It’s a surprisingly well-landscaped park with more animal enclosures than we were expecting.

I suppose having had the benefit of attending world-class zoos during my childhood, my zoo standards could easily be slightly inflated. I mean, being in the gorilla exhibit at the Cincinnati Zoo, one almost expects to spot Dian Fossey (the Gorillas in the Mist lady). They managed to recreate a true rainforest atmosphere in southern Ohio! It is obviously an incredibly well-funded zoo, mind you. Most of its employees are dedicated zoolologists, or at least students majoring in the discipline. And there are plenty of corporate and individual sponsors to add to the bounty.

In my life, I have also been to more ghetto zoos. I know not many can follow in the footsteps of, say, the San Diego Zoo. For me, I guess it boils down to one simple factor: Do the animals seem well-cared for? Do they look sick and depressed?

This is where Hayvanat Bahçesi gets the “A” for effort. The animals enclosures were, on the whole, much larger than we had anticipated. Most of the animals had plenty of room to roam and most had buddies to socialize with. There were very few exceptions to this. Claire had warned us that the bears had a pretty shabby home, and they did. But even they seemed to be working the crowd. There was one bear that was up on the wall, chatty as heck. He almost seemed to be inviting us down to play with his tire. Of course, he was probably thinking that a human snack would be just the thing after his nap, but you get the idea.

In fact, overall, I have just one complaint: It needs more employees. Now, I am not personally willing to enhance their budget so that they may do so, but….A zoo needs people walking around for one solid reason: to protect the animals from stupid humans. Some of the enclosures were riddled with human trash. People had thrown their water bottles inside. As you may know, some zoos are so strict about this kind of thing that they don’t even provide straws in the cafes for fear that they will end up down an animal’s gullet. Kids were feeding the ponies Doritos. And worst of all, some ignorant people were pounding on the glass and even shouting at the animals. There was one man that was being so rude and causing such a scene at every exhibit, I couldn’t help wish that we might witness an episode of When Animals Attack involving that idiot and say, a tiger.

My friend Claire has a young daughter. I don’t know if she’s yet had the chance to see other zoos in her short life thus far, but I am sure she was tickled by this place all the same. We, too, were like children when we saw the male lion come out of his indoor enclosure. We ran from enclosure to enclosure with big smiles, helpless with giddiness.

One thing I can tell you for sure about kids is that they don’t give a crap about ambience. That’s a strictly adult standard. A kid would have been delighted by all of the tacky garden gnome statues that had been painted to look like Santa Claus scattered throughout the park. And the cherub statues who were reading what I presumed to be the Book of Love? A kid would only notice them if they were selling ice cream.

Tourists visiting Turkey don’t really have much reason to go there, if you ask me. It isn’t anything to write home about necessarily. But if you live here, especially if you have kids that need entertaining, it’s not a bad way to spend an afternoon. Support it financially so that it might stay around for children who may never see another zoo in their lives.

Another nice part of the day was the neighboring area. The zoo is technically in Darıca, east of us on the Asian side past Pendik. They say it is in Bayramoğlu, but I guess that makes it seem slightly fancier. It’s worth noting that the zoo itself is in a really drab place. From the outside, in fact, it resembles and inner city prison, tall stone walls topped with barbed wire. But just down the road, it’s a whole new world.

As you may know if you have ever looked at an atlas, Turkey is surrounded by seas. They are incredibly spoiled like that. As a result, there is a beach house culture here. Most families of moderate means, even, have one. Of course, where one has their beach house speaks to their socio-economic status. Middle class people tend to have theirs on the Marmara or the Black Sea, while the wealthier enjoy the Mediterranean, or the Turquoise Coast, to the south.

I had had no idea that we had a beach house community so close to Istanbul; and only twenty minutes from where we live. Bayramoğlu was actually a very picturesque little place; narrow streets with neat little homes and lined with trees on both sides so that the canopy created a cool green glow everywhere. The homes were meticulously cared for, with trumpet vines on trellises, porch swings and teak patio furniture. A small neighborhood bazaar was selling bathing suit cover-ups made from silk scarves, jewelry and beach tote bags.

There’s a public beach for whomever is desperate enough, and a private one for the people living in the community. They had chaise lounges and bobbing diving platforms and even waiters bringing food and beer. It reminded me a lot of a lake beach, really. Let’s face it: the water here surrounds one of the most industrial areas in the city. It is not clean any way you slice it. But the person typing this has swum in the Ohio River, okay? Lake Erie? Check. I even once swam in my great uncle’s catfish pond. Feeling the whiskers brush against my ankles was unbearably creepy and I jumped out. The point is that I have done my share of swimming in brown or green water. So I feel these people. Sometimes when you’re hot, water is water.